Blood of Hercules
Flabbergasted. That is the only word I can think of to describe my mental state after reading half of this book. This is not a review because I didn’t finish Blood of Hercules, but I am absolutely going to document every little detail that caused me psychic damage.
Some context: the author, Jasmine Mas, has a degree in ancient Greco-Roman classical studies from Georgetown University. I will be referencing this fact a lot.
Hoopla is an ebook library that doesn’t have any wait time to borrow books, but this means their collection is not really the most popular or up-to-date. I found this Greek myth retelling on the app, but I should have realized what kind of experience it would be based on its absolute gem of a synopsis:
Five braincells per bullet point are now lost forever. Seriously, when did books just become a collection of tropes?
“Who did this to you?”
Ehhh… it’s whatever. But I feel like ‘big strong man saves woman’ is pretty dated, especially for a female-lead fantasy novel.
Extreme Enemies to Lover
Remember this one. Because I don’t think the author knows what enemies are, or even lovers for that matter.
Morally Gray Alpha Heros
Let this sink in. The unironic usage of the word alpha, and we aren’t even talking about wolves. And what’s the deal with morally gray? I feel like when it comes to Tik-Tok books, that just means the love interest is a horrible human being.
Stories where the Villains get the girl
Did nobody edit the synopsis? why is ‘girl’ not capitalized? Literally every other noun in this bullet point list is capitalized. This is making me so irrationally angry.
Greek Myths and War Academies
Remember that this is based on Greek myths. NOT Roman.
When a book is promising that these tropes appear, it takes critical thinking and storytelling out of the picture. Why bother trying to flesh out characters and motives when you can fall back on pre-existing structures?
But the ironic part is that a lot of these tropes aren’t even true. In fact, the first violation is the title itself. Miss Mas, you have a degree in classical studies. From Georgetown. Are you telling me that you don’t know Hercules is the Roman name for a Greek hero? Why on Earth didn’t you use the name Heracles for a GREEK MYTH RETELLING?
The title is a horrendous start, but the rest of the book is so much worse in the most fever dream way possible. Thankfully, Hoopla has a highlighter feature, so I can share this trauma with you. So let’s get started!
“My purple eyes and white hair reflected off the mirrored walls.” Omniscient
I didn’t realize our main character was Ebony Dark’ness! The book is just so angsty this far that I had to make the comparison.
“If things get…serious–and there’s no other option–only then do you use the phone and call the first responders.” Chapter 2
Why are there ellipses, dashes, and italics in the same sentence? These are used so much in the book that it’s difficult to read. I understand the goal is to convey a way of speaking, but all it does is forces the reader to stumble around the words and intonation. Basically, it complicates things unnecessarily.
“The next child to come of age would be Kharon, the eighteen-year-old son of Artemis and Erebus.” Chapter 2
Classical Studies. Georgetown University. Artemis literally represents chastity and is famously a virgin goddess. Why does she have a kid? And if she absolutely had to have a kid for the sake of the story, why with a male god? I’ve always assumed that Artemis was sort of gay after reading Ovid’s Metamorphoses, and even though it’s a Roman text, I feel like Jasmine Mas missed the opportunity.
“I hummed a classical tune and focused on the positives…” Chapter 2
I don’t get why classical music is a reoccurring interest in this book. It feels like a quirky main character trait rather than something that embodies the themes of the story, especially when most composers of the Classical period were Christian.
“I was going to miss her positive energy. Not.” Chapter 2
Erm. Is this humor? The synopsis says this book is supposed to be sarcastic and funny. I think the humor is best described as Dollar Tree Rick Riordan, back when I used to read his books.
“The Crimson Duo–Patro of the HOUSE of Aphrodite and Achilles of the House of Ares–were the most famous members of the Assembly of Death.” Chapter 3
WHO IN TARTARUS IS PATRO? Why does literally every other canonical Greek myth character get to keep their full name while pAtRo is a thing? Let’s all say the real name together. Patroklos. See how beautiful it is?? Why is Patro a thing, I literally cannot believe it. Also, ‘Achilles’ is the Roman name for the warrior. The Greek name is Akhilleus. The trope has been broken yet again.
“Everyone knew about Achilles. He was the only Spartan who wore a muzzle.” Chapter 3
I’m… just not going to say anything about this one.
“I focused desperately on finishing my essay on the physics of quantum mechanics–the answer had to be written in Latin. As the Spartan merit test progressed, the difficulty of the questions increased exponentially. Halfway through, every question had to be answered in Latin.” Chapter 4
This is my evidence that this book absolutely did not have an editor. I’ll say it again: Classical Studies. Georgetown University.
“Eight colorful Olympian House flags waved with about a dozen people in each section.” Chapter 4
This section feels plagiarized. This book should be Percy Jackson fanfic on AO3, not a published national bestseller.
“What had happened to a good old-fashioned welcome lunch?” Chapter 4
I made an equally unfunny meme just for this one!
“Alexis’s mentors are… Patro, the mutt of the House of Aphrodite, and Achilles, the mutt of the House of Ares.” Chapter 5
Why did we have to use the word ‘mutt’? Why is this giving kidnapped by One Direction? Why can’t this book be normal?
“You’re ours now, Patro said slowly, his voice cold.” Chapter 5
I need social distancing from Patro. Also, if you didn’t think this was giving fanfic before, I hope this changed your mind.
“Also–you disgust us, we don’t like you, and we never will, so rid yourself of all romantic delusions.” Chapter 5
Remember how the synopsis said, EHERM, “extreme enemies to lovers”? Apparently all that means is Patro saying “uwu me no likey you” with the subtlety and tact of a sledgehammer. Classical Studies. Georgetown.
“The doctors plastered themselves against the wall, as far from the raging beast (Patro) as they could get.” Chapter 6
For me personally, the vibe I got from the Iliad regarding Patroklos’s personality was different. He didn’t really feel like ‘raging beast’, even when he was fighting moments before he died. Patroklos seemed more reserved and chill than anything, throughout the epic. Now, for Akhilleus? That would be an accurate description.
“The foster parents had been cruel, but the Montana winters had been crueler.” Chapter 6
Why, oh why, is our main character from Montana?
“Everyone always assumed I was born with heterochromia.” Chapter 7
Oh my god, that is so Ebony Dark’ness coded. I think this is the second time I’m saying this?
“Spartan blood is too acidic to test. Obviously.” Chapter 7
Psychic damage. Let’s deep dive. Normal human blood is slightly alkaline, or basic. This pH is maintained by carbonic acid and bicarbonate ions. The reason that the human body has evolved to have blood at this pH is because proteins and enzymes in the blood will denature in any other condition. Therefore, we can assume that because Spartans have acid blood, their enzymes work best under a pH of around 7. The test the author is referring is a paternity test, so let’s look at how that works.
The main technique involved in DNA analysis is called PCR. Basically, large quantities of DNA needs to be produced, so scientists found a way to harness the natural process of DNA replication and ramp it up in a lab setting. In essence, the technique used in paternity testing is based on naturally occurring enzymes– enzymes in the case of Spartan society, that would be able to withstand more acidic conditions due to evolution.
There is absolutely no reason for paternity tests to be impossible, unless Spartan blood is so acidic that it melts lab equipment. In that case, every single chemical process in the body would be screwed up, and Alexis as a character would be defying the laws of chemistry and nature. But Mas has a degree in Classical Studies, not biotechnology, so I’ll let this one go.
“I stared down at my feet. ‘I don’t have any powers.’ ” Chapter 7
Oh, lookey at me. I am the protagonist of a fantasy novel. And I don’t have any super powers.
Has the author even read a book before? Calling this cliche is an understatement.
“Augustus was a frightening amalgamation of sharp edges.” Chapter 9
Ohhh, so he’s got that mewing jawline. Also, does Augustus sound like a classical Greek name to you? It’s Roman at best, and Willy Wonka at worst.
“Scared, little girl?” Chapter 16
This was the moment I dropped this book. Our main character is nineteen, for reference. And this quote makes me think if the legal age for consent wasn’t eighteen, Alexis would be a lot younger. Classical Studies. Georgetown University.
This book was something. I don’t even have a solid opinion on it because it didn’t even feel like a story. It was the author punching me in the face with bad dialogue and world building. I genuinely don’t know how this book became a national bestseller, because it wasn’t even one of those ‘so bad it’s good’ types. It was just an unpleasant experience through and through. But on the same day of dropping this book, I picked up another one that turned out to be amazing, so watch out for that post!